We keep getting e-mails from people that think we’re a site about Top Shelf alcohol. Please fucking stop. We don’t sell alcohol, review alcohol, or make it. However we do drink it, and in an effort for you to stop bothering us; here is TopShelfd’s Guide to Alcohol.

Now a drink tells a lot about a person: their personality, their desires, and most importantly their income level. You can order a drink to satisfy a desire or to impress. Now according to our research our site caters mostly to 18-25 year old males, and a 45 year old Purchasing Manager for a chain of liquor stores named Quahim looking for “a deal on 175 cases of Grey Goose man”. Therefore TopShelfd is going to transform your night life like never before. Here are some drinks you can order to send a certain message to the crowd.

Tom Collins

Ah a classic cocktail. However having a woman hear you say another man’s name to the bartender is strange. She might get the Freudian connotation that you are sipping on another man. But you’re not gay. Are you?

Vodka Martini

Shaken or stirred. How about neither? You’re not James Bond asshole. Who the fuck do you think you’re kidding? Give up now.

Long Island Iced Tea

A crazy concoction that has almost every alcohol. This tells people you are an indecisive bastard that just wants something that takes like nothing. You have no taste whatsoever and just want to get drunk without harming your taste buds. Chances are that you will be in some stranger’s bed or in jail by morning. Either way you’re fucked.

Whiskey Sour

Here is an old fashioned drink. Lemon juice and whiskey. At times it looks like piss and more often than not it tastes like it. If a girl sees you drinking this she knows that you will lick any part of her body no matter how unwashed. Drink this in front of as many women as possible

Beer

Short and simple. This beverage has been enjoyed for thousands of years. However women usually associate many stereotypes with “beer drinkers”. She’ll probably think you’re an idiot who never went to college and lives in an apartment with five other guys. When she realizes she is right and rejects you any way, you can tell her to “go suck a dick”. Which she probably will, only not yours.